Disappointments

After a slew of disappointments, I already know my place. How many disappointments do it take for one to realise what is to being a human? The idea of a "me" is a slippery slope. On one hand, we believe that "me" is the centre of the universe. Yet, the truth is, "me" is just a concept which fundamentally builds itself around a greater universe.

It is haunting to keep imaging where the universe stretches to.

It is equally haunting to imagine what would happen if there are no more living things once every earth-planets is destroyed via some cosmical events. Forever. Perpetual.

Hence, the concept of "me" is irrelevant, given the scale of things that surrounds us everyday and every second. The grandiose version of "me".

The funny thing is we tricked ourselves into thinking that we need to do something. Hence, self-centricity. We work hard to earn money and to use the money for our benefits. We need more money to appeal to our inner "me". To feed it. To glorify it. And to give it a sense of purpose.

We surround ourselves with peers and friends because we are all lonely. Very lonely in this vast emptiness of space. We believe the friendship can shield us from all the eventualities. Truth is, once we head back from a party, from a friend's house, from work, from school, we are but a lonely people trying again to find a sense of purpose in life.

Can our friends, with a different set of goals and experiences, really feel for us? Or do we seek solace in their listening ears?

Disappointments arise from "me" expecting a certain set of behaviors and reactions from "other mes", and yet, "me" got a totally different set of behaviors and reactions. In short, "other mes" did not met "me's" selfish expectations.

Frustrations. Irritations. All are how "me" show the world, what an unfair place this is.

How many disappointments do it take to make anyone realise that we are not that significant?

Thoughts from Starbucks

The first day of CNY, and I spending the afternoon in a Starbucks at the Central. My parents and my brother went to Japan, and leaving me behind. Actually, its ok. I kinda like the feeling of being alone. CNY used to be hectic rush from one relative's place to another. And it is really boring and tiring. Yes. It is great time to spend time with the extended family. Yet, I somehow feel that the connection is not there.

The new year begets new life-style and resolutions.

Resolutions however are very dangerous. It is tantamount to eat pure fats. Both are bad for your heart.

Well, as far as my job is concerned. I have another 2 years to fulfil what I wanted to achieve. Hence, just hold tight and ride it out.

For CFA. Damn. Just P A S S the 3 levels!

CPA? I wanna get the australia one. Enough said.

Anything else is just strawberries on the plate.

Happy Lunar New Year

With the strike of the clock, we were ushered into the year of the Tiger. The bright fireworks filled the sky. The blasts of the fireworks drove all the past away. A tranquil sense of peace filled the place. The Lunar New Year is the biggest event in the Chinese calendar. In China, millions of people will travel back to where they came from. The hardship involved. The pain. The sufferings. All for that few days of meeting with families and friends.

What is the meaning of the Lunar New Year in our context. The Singapore context.

It seems that the atmosphere was thin. The celebrations are but obligatory. What Singaporeans looked forward to, is the rest days that awaits. A few days off from the mundane working life. To sleep in. To meet up with people. To watch television.

Hence, what is the real meaning of Lunar New Year? From ancient times, the Lunar New Year symbolized hope and anew. Where hatreds, disappointments, pains and sufferings of the yester-year disappears upon the lighting of the fire-crackers. A commencement party of a new year of farming. Where everyone is supposed to grow up by a year.

In modern-day China, the Lunar New Year shed new stories on the hardship of the people from the rural areas. We can see their tears when they failed to get any tickets. We can see their joy when they started to talk about their family, thousands of li away. They can stand for days. They have to brave the chill. They even have to wear adult diapers just to avoid going to the toilet and hence losing their "standing" place on the buses or trains.

For Singaporeans, let's just make Lunar New Year a special occasion to spend quality time with the family, the extended family and friends. Eat, drink, laugh, mahjong and television. Yea, please spend time away from the computer to do all that.

Table for one

It is getting harder to ignore that I am single. The disillusion that I am happy being alone is being blurred by the social norms. As I scroll through the facebook, I see a lot of my peers getting married and some of them are dads and moms.

I have to decide quick.Time is obviously not on my side.

End of January and hello February

Time just played a trick on me and I thought New Year was only yesterday. In a jiffy, today is the last day of January. I have yet accomplished anything. My life rots. And why am I so negative? Being feeling lethargic and totally no motivation for anything else. My level of cynicism has reached a new height. My emotions have died. Died. How about a walking flesh? Sounds like a zombie. Yup perhaps this totally describe how I feel now. Oxymoron? A feeling zombie.

Ok I need to inject some optimism. Don't wanna end this beautiful 31 January with a sulk.

iPad iPad iPad iPad iPad iPad iPad

Going Home from China

As the old and dry cliche goes, time goes by so fast and in a blink of the eye, I am at the journey-end of this trip. I started out on 14th December 2009 to Hunan. Then along the way, I helped out with 2 engagements in Quanzhou. And finally, the Xiamen engagement. I spent my x'mas and new year in China. Probably, given the trend, I might spend my CNY in China next year.

It was a long and strange journey. One that I lost track of. In fact, I am so amazed by how have I forced myself to accept my current state. I am also amazed by the fact that I have worked non-stop for 7 weeks. And very certainly, I will be wrapping and cleaning my work tomorrow and on Sunday.

Am I a workaholic. Definitely not. I don't fit the criteria. I am a pleasure-seeking and shy away from anything workish.

Going back in another 2-3 hours.

Its depressing to deal with human relationships

Somethings I am not sure what is the grand design? Relationships have been a cornerstone of human's development. It seems that "no man is an island" is the fundamental to this design. What makes us human is the experiences that we have accumulated. The memories. The pain. The joy. The multitude of confusions and seemingly sense of control.

Can a human without experiences be human? What is being human? What is depression? What is feeling? Even more, what is life? Its an age-old question.

I love to be alone. I hate sadness. I hate to deal with human relationships. LEAVE ME ALONE. Alone? Can I eventually be ok? Being alone?