Enough of happiness

Not that I do not want any right now. My point being, happiness is like a drug. It makes us high and happy. Dancing away to an imaginary tune in our heads. Yet, the moment, sadness, disappointment and anger replace this happiness, we immediately go into cold-turkey mode. Shivering and yearning for happiness.

There are many books which advise us on the path of/to happiness. Books that tell us to build the right relationship, books which I thought will teach us how to cook chicken-soup, books that ask who moved our cheese and books by Dr. Phil. Seems that the path of/to happiness actually reside deep within EVERY "self-help section" of the bookstores.

Yet to be a human is to experience happiness and sadness and disappointment and anger, sometimes separately and sometimes altogether at once. That is probably why buddhists subscribe to a "don't dwell on anything, just let go". Happiness is but a temporary feeling, arising from a source, which will eventually change. We need to get away from holding on to that temporary feeling, otherwise, we will forever be trapped, trying to recreate that feeling, via relationship gurus, self-help books and self deception.

Similarly for sadness, disappointment and anger. We need to be sad and we cry. We need to be disappointed and leave. We need to be angry and fight. The verbs are just manifestation of the emotions. Like happiness, they are temporary feelings arising from a source, which will eventually change. I am learning how to forgive people more readily and to cut back on the period of my sadness, disappointment and anger. It is alright to cry, to leave and to fight. We are human. MORE importantly, we need to think and gain control of these temporary feelings. Never do things that we will regret, because the sources of these feelings have altered and new terms and conditions evolve, and eventually, we will just laugh it off and more on.

The roller coastering of my emotions has gotten the better of me. I am quite tired of it. I feel frustrated at my lack of discipline to rein in these feelings. Yes, frustration is a form of emotion.

I think I am soon becoming a rather emotionless being.

Blog posts missing

It seems ages since I last posted. I would though my web-life would be enhanced by my new toy, the brand-new iMac. Nope. It has not.

The tech world in Singapore has been updated with the latest iPad and the iPhone 4. From the news, it would seem that both items saw massive queues and relentless queries to the relevant sales outlets. For me, I chose not to go gaga over the new iPhone 4. Its not a big upgrade for me from 3GS. Of course, the new phone would be faster, looks better in design, as well as the retina display and not forgetting Facetime.

On the other hand, I a bit sad that the iPad is out in Singapore. I am officially relegated to be the one of the rest. A couple of weeks back, I was just lamenting how my precious of flaunting my 2 iPads are woefully coming to an end once His Steveness bestows some iPads to Singapore. Yup, the worry has materialised itself.

Let me count my Apple toys....

Actively using:
i) 27" iMac (for heavy duty photo editing, gaming, watching movies and tv shows)
ii) 15" Macbook pro (for surfing of internet whilst my iMac is busy with the above mentioned stuff)
iii) 13.1" Macbook air (for traveling)
iv) iPad (1 X Wifi and 1 X Wifi + 3G)
v) iPod Touch
vi) iPod
vii) iPod shuffles (all the generation)
viii) iPhone 3GS

Left for dust:
i) 20" iMac
ii) Macbook Pro (2 generation)
iii) Macbook (black)


I lay myself before His Steveness.

Shifting

Shifting house is really no fun.

Verily as I gotten used to living in Chinatown, I am now back to Queenstown. My new house is just one street across, located at a very European-citiyish sounding name - Strathmore.

I also know that I carry a lot of stuff with me. But little did I know the literal meaning of it. I really carry a lot of stuff with me. Boxes and more boxes of stuff. Some of them I never even touch it for like for years. I know I am a mild hoarder. Of course, when compared to the hardcore hoarder, I am just at the kindergarden level.

I really need to shed all these stuff. Mainly they are books. And collectibles.

I forced myself to start purging all these stuff. Will I still need my university notes? Will I still need my projects? Will I still need to see that book again. How many times can I re-read harry potter?

Ahhh all that CDs. They are simply waiting to be extinct. Maybe then, I can fetch a good price for selling these?

One thing about giving up the stuff is to sever all emotional attachment to these stuff. I once made myself to give up a lot of stuff during a major clean-up of the ex-condo I was in. I named it "Project Purge". The aim is to purge stuff which I KNOW I will not touch it again. I remembered I threw out a lot of stuff. My JC F-Maths notes and scribbles, rubbish I have written for my GP practices and scores of pokemon cartoons CDs.

I can sense a "Project Purge II" coming up.

Getting to know you

We are but strangers in many way. And there is an imposing wall in between us. Maybe because of the myriad of masks we wear to handle different situations and different people. Maybe because simply we don't understand.

During lunch yesterday, I came across an auntie who sold fruits. She is zany in a way. She kept nagging why did the customer do this, do that. Shouldn't select the fruits from the back, should take from the front. Then as she was nagging, suddenly she will become very normal and professional and asked us if we wanted salt or seasoning on our fruits. Then she will go back to her naggy mode.

I gave my "rolled-eyed-what-ever" look.

And I felt bad immediately, once we reached back to the client's place. The accountant told us that her husband died of cancer about a year ago. Suddenly, I was full of respect for her and in a way, compassionate. I believe she needs someone to talk to. I can imagine a year ago, she still had someone who was willing to listen to her nag.

And now, the fruit store is her only console that her husband is still with her.

But then, I will never know if they shared such a relationship or one that is bitter.

Exhausted

After 2 weeks of non-stop work and working late into the night and waking up early, I think I am exhausted. Coupled with crappy stuff like the OT issue and crappy friend who kept thinking that I am different, I had enough. My mind went blank.

The OT issue was an alright issue because I din really care about how the others think about it, I just stuck with my position. But the crappy friend issue was really uncalled for. When I am like running at max capacity and hope that my mind can do only one thing at a time, this came training my way. As such, my bloated mind just pushed this off the cliff and relished in hearing the slow falling of this issue into the deep abyss.

My neck and shoulders are really feeling the brunt of this mindless work. They have been complaining since like a week ago. I think I need to go for massage. More than so, I need a short break. Not the weekend-kind of break, but a 4-5 days of nothing-to-do-ness.

And I have unappreciative bosses. Really disappointed but as usual, within my expectation.

But I need to snap out of it and change all these into positive energy. They can take me out of my life but they can't take the life out of me.

AND I AM SO LOVING MY NEW BOSE HEADPHONES!!!!!!!

What is the meaning of earning money?

Have been feeling stressed up in terms of the work load and the quality of my work. My atrocious level of concentration has finally caught up with me. In doing audit, I think we must maintain a high level of concentration. We must be ready to deliver quality work and by quality, it will means that everything on the checklists are filled, every words are prudently processed and every procedures dutifully performed.

What makes audit different from say a commercial AP accountant? I am still thinking. Of course, to think deeper, a doctor or surgeon will need to be on high alert all the time. They are dealing with human lives.

Thus, is the level of remuneration proportion to the level of concentration required?

1Q2010

Just like the listed companies, which need to do quarterly announcements to update the shareholders and general public about their performances, do we need to do a quarterly announcement to keep us on track to whatever we are doing?

I think I need to do a weekly announcement given my short attention span as I will definitely forget to announce when the time comes should I be doing it on a quarterly basis.

Suddenly there are a lot of changes and many for the good and of course there are changes which will leave me thinking, "What next?"

There are a lot of "I hope" but how many of those do I really hope to achieve? Maybe none. They are just fragments of my imagination and random pieces of my guilt to remind me that I have to start planning for a lot of things. Life can no longer be muddled along.

Disappointments

After a slew of disappointments, I already know my place. How many disappointments do it take for one to realise what is to being a human? The idea of a "me" is a slippery slope. On one hand, we believe that "me" is the centre of the universe. Yet, the truth is, "me" is just a concept which fundamentally builds itself around a greater universe.

It is haunting to keep imaging where the universe stretches to.

It is equally haunting to imagine what would happen if there are no more living things once every earth-planets is destroyed via some cosmical events. Forever. Perpetual.

Hence, the concept of "me" is irrelevant, given the scale of things that surrounds us everyday and every second. The grandiose version of "me".

The funny thing is we tricked ourselves into thinking that we need to do something. Hence, self-centricity. We work hard to earn money and to use the money for our benefits. We need more money to appeal to our inner "me". To feed it. To glorify it. And to give it a sense of purpose.

We surround ourselves with peers and friends because we are all lonely. Very lonely in this vast emptiness of space. We believe the friendship can shield us from all the eventualities. Truth is, once we head back from a party, from a friend's house, from work, from school, we are but a lonely people trying again to find a sense of purpose in life.

Can our friends, with a different set of goals and experiences, really feel for us? Or do we seek solace in their listening ears?

Disappointments arise from "me" expecting a certain set of behaviors and reactions from "other mes", and yet, "me" got a totally different set of behaviors and reactions. In short, "other mes" did not met "me's" selfish expectations.

Frustrations. Irritations. All are how "me" show the world, what an unfair place this is.

How many disappointments do it take to make anyone realise that we are not that significant?

Thoughts from Starbucks

The first day of CNY, and I spending the afternoon in a Starbucks at the Central. My parents and my brother went to Japan, and leaving me behind. Actually, its ok. I kinda like the feeling of being alone. CNY used to be hectic rush from one relative's place to another. And it is really boring and tiring. Yes. It is great time to spend time with the extended family. Yet, I somehow feel that the connection is not there.

The new year begets new life-style and resolutions.

Resolutions however are very dangerous. It is tantamount to eat pure fats. Both are bad for your heart.

Well, as far as my job is concerned. I have another 2 years to fulfil what I wanted to achieve. Hence, just hold tight and ride it out.

For CFA. Damn. Just P A S S the 3 levels!

CPA? I wanna get the australia one. Enough said.

Anything else is just strawberries on the plate.

Happy Lunar New Year

With the strike of the clock, we were ushered into the year of the Tiger. The bright fireworks filled the sky. The blasts of the fireworks drove all the past away. A tranquil sense of peace filled the place. The Lunar New Year is the biggest event in the Chinese calendar. In China, millions of people will travel back to where they came from. The hardship involved. The pain. The sufferings. All for that few days of meeting with families and friends.

What is the meaning of the Lunar New Year in our context. The Singapore context.

It seems that the atmosphere was thin. The celebrations are but obligatory. What Singaporeans looked forward to, is the rest days that awaits. A few days off from the mundane working life. To sleep in. To meet up with people. To watch television.

Hence, what is the real meaning of Lunar New Year? From ancient times, the Lunar New Year symbolized hope and anew. Where hatreds, disappointments, pains and sufferings of the yester-year disappears upon the lighting of the fire-crackers. A commencement party of a new year of farming. Where everyone is supposed to grow up by a year.

In modern-day China, the Lunar New Year shed new stories on the hardship of the people from the rural areas. We can see their tears when they failed to get any tickets. We can see their joy when they started to talk about their family, thousands of li away. They can stand for days. They have to brave the chill. They even have to wear adult diapers just to avoid going to the toilet and hence losing their "standing" place on the buses or trains.

For Singaporeans, let's just make Lunar New Year a special occasion to spend quality time with the family, the extended family and friends. Eat, drink, laugh, mahjong and television. Yea, please spend time away from the computer to do all that.

Going Home from China

As the old and dry cliche goes, time goes by so fast and in a blink of the eye, I am at the journey-end of this trip. I started out on 14th December 2009 to Hunan. Then along the way, I helped out with 2 engagements in Quanzhou. And finally, the Xiamen engagement. I spent my x'mas and new year in China. Probably, given the trend, I might spend my CNY in China next year.

It was a long and strange journey. One that I lost track of. In fact, I am so amazed by how have I forced myself to accept my current state. I am also amazed by the fact that I have worked non-stop for 7 weeks. And very certainly, I will be wrapping and cleaning my work tomorrow and on Sunday.

Am I a workaholic. Definitely not. I don't fit the criteria. I am a pleasure-seeking and shy away from anything workish.

Going back in another 2-3 hours.

GTD

Getting Things Done, a brainchild of David Allen. I admire this book and his perspective on getting things done. GTD is something that I really want achieve. Simply GTD. However, the truth is, I have disability. That is my lack of discipline and concentration. There is a burning desire to just GTD. Yet, like a blind man crying out to the heavens to like him see, I yearn to settle my heart and anchor my discipline.

Many a times, I will just give up and give in to my laziness. The force of comfort is overwhelming. It is an evil force. I think the only thing that kept me from going crazy is my ego. My ego has prevented me from admitting to my shortfalls.

GTD. Not an easy task for me. And I had enough of disappointments. I want to just give up and fall into the abyss. At least, its the gravity that is GTD.

To Now-Here & Nowhere

A decade has since went by when I celebrated the new millennium (and still unable to spell it without a spell-check). The last decade was an eventful one. It saw my transition from JC kid to an army soldier to an university graduate and now-here I am, as a working adult.

2009 was an even more eventful year. A host of bitter stuff came my way and now that I looked back, it was but nowhere.

I wonder what will the new 2010 brings. For one, the economy will be resilient to further shocks (as demostrated by the Dubai debacle), as nations decided to tighten their grips over public debts and finances. The world is awash with the public funds, and as such, the euphoria and illusion will last through 2010.

I am stepping into the role of an auditor senior. I will need to be more responsible for my work and for my team. I have to interact with more caution and clarity with almost everyone (its something that I am trying hard to learn).

I want to pass my CFA level one and to finally start on my CPA.

I want to spend more time with my parents.

I want to get the rumored Apple tablet (be it iSlate or iGuide) and the 27 inch iMac!

I want to go to Greece!

There are so many I wants, and I shall see how many of these can I strike off on 31 December 2010.